What it takes to be widely loved and remembered

In the next 3 weeks I want to talk about:

1. What it takes to be widely remembered and loved

2. How do YOU become someone who is remembered and loved (differentiation)

3. A storytelling framework to get people to fall in love with you (resonance)

The opposite of being memorable and loved

I was THIS 🤏CLOSE to kissing one of the popular girls in High School and got rejected with one of the most brutal statements ever.

My junior year of high school was like a movie. My good friend Scott had the perfect set up for parties. Absolute dream spot.

As you descended the stairs you were met with movie posters tacked to the white painted cement walls and unfinished cement flooring. Right in front of you was beer pong table number 1 (the game where you throw ping pong balls into cups is actually called Beirut, but I won’t argue that point today).

The room to the left, which you entered through hanging beads on the doorway, was dimly lit by a Chinese lantern, a couch, a bean bag other cozy cushion chairs. In the corner was a nook covered by tapestry. This of course was the make out room. A room I did not know well.

Making your way back out that room and past beer pong table 1, you walked down a wide hallway where a couch and, on special occasions, the keg would sit. Past the hallway was another wide open area of the baseball which included beer pong table 2 and bigger space to mingle and dance.

One warm spring evening, in a collared shirt and khaki shorts I sat next to Sami on the hallway couch. Sami was one of the popular girls and also one of, if not the best, soccer and basketball athletes for all 4 years of high school. Tall with an athletic build. A thunderous laugh but would scrunch her nose in a way that made her strength look cute.

We had known each other for years and developed a bond in a brand new class called “Sound and Effects.” It was a creative class for the kids who were too disruptive in choir. We rarely sat in our seats as we moved about the room creating chaos. One of our lessons was breaking down the lyrics of Shake Ya Tailfeather by P Diddy, Nelly and Murphy Lee.

“Is that your ass or your mama half reindeer?”

Rich stuff. Lyrics that would make Bob Dylan weep, I am sure.

This might have been the source of material that had Sami laughing on the hallway couch that evening.

So finally, with enough Keystone Lights to make a 16-year-old boy brave, I leaned in for the second kiss of early career in kissing girls.

She leaned in too.

Holy fuck I’m gonna kiss Sami Wright.

Then she pulled back and said, “I can’t”

I faltered ready to laugh it off, but she faced forward as if speaking to herself and said, “It’d be too embarrassing.” and she got up and made her way to Beer Pong Table 2.

I was scared most of the time in high school. I hated the idea of being embarrassed, failing and being judged. I always made sure others were doing a thing before I did it. I was never the first to jump because I didn’t want to turn around and see everyone had changed their mind. So I fit in.

There was the risk of going after what I truly wanted and being the lone wolf. My biggest fear in high school was loneliness so I chose safety by following the leader. I followed the leader so much that I never even knew what I truly wanted or what I believed in.

Sami rejected me because for two reasons.

1. It wouldn’t have been cool to kiss me, which I actually get and I don’t blame her. I had zero trust and confidence in who I was. It’s not that I had to be one of the popular boys to be kissed, but I had to be someone. That’s what being cool is. It’s a confidence to be different by being exactly who you want to be. Even the “nerds” owned what they loved. But me… I didn’t own shit. I was dry toast. Bland.

2. I only wanted to kiss the popular girl because everyone wants to kiss the popular girl. I didn’t really care for Sami. I didn’t really want it. I bet she felt it too. There was no resonance between us. For me, it was simply an opportunity to fit in. As deep as my fear of embarrassment was, this rejection didn’t feel all that bad because getting rejected for something you never really wanted… is like… who cares?

This is the energy I brought to that couch that night.

This is the energy I brought to most of my life.

I never had the courage to stand up for what I really wanted an be who I truly was.

Being bold is about about doing the things you really want.

It’s having the courage to be rejected by someone you truly love or something you truly want. That rejection can really hurt. You have to be willing to endure that kind of pain. That’s truly bold and boldness is what it takes to be remembered.

The biggest truth is that I didn’t love Sami. I loved Rachel. She was in my friend group and she was my best friend. But she was dating a senior who was in a band and had a thick a beard. He was someone. He was different which made him cool.

It hurt going to school and seeing them hold hands in the hallways.

It hurt going to parties and see them laughing in the corner.

It hurt the most that one summer evening senior year when we laid in her parents front lawn and I had her laughing about nothing and and we fell asleep there together in the grass. I knew she loved me too. It’s the one thing I was sure of. The one thing I knew I truly wanted.

But it would hurt far more to lose her.

So I never said a word.

I wasn’t brave.

I wasn’t bold.

To be loved and to be remembered

Freshman year of college all I thought about was Rachel. We FaceTimed once a week. I became good friends with her roommate, I was jealous of her new guy friends, and every time I listened to “Say Goodbye” by Dave Matthews (like three times a day) I thought of her.

After one semester apart, the pain finally became to great. During Christmas break at a new years party, as Rachel and I huddled in the bathroom holding our friends hair back as she puked in the toilet, I told her I loved her.

She didn’t reciprocate.

The timing was off and my attempt was feeble. One made out of desperation. More of a cry for help than a passionate pronunciation of love. I did not write her with a poem or show up at her house with a boom box over my head. There was no display of romance. I had no conviction. I had no faith. I had no belief.

(oh yeah and did I mention we were in a bathroom watching our friend hurl up buckets of bile and tequila?)

I learned core lessons from living life as a shy boy who was too afraid to be himself. These lessons correlate to what beloved leaders do. They can be represented in this chart.

Resonance

It’s that feeling you get when someone shares an idea and you’re like, “holy fuck that’s what I’ve been thinking but have been unable to put into words.”

It’s when you go to an event and you start talking to someone and it’s effortless. Within minutes you feel like you know this person and you don’t care to speak to anyone else the rest of the night.

It’s standing in the lawn of a pavilion listening to your favorite artist play your favorite song and you aren’t even singing along because you’re in a trance—just swaying with your eyes closed and face turned up toward the sky knowing you don’t need to be anywhere else in the world than right here.

That’s resonance and it’s what we’re ultimately after.

Resonance is what get’s the involuntary “mmhmmmm” and “YEAAAASSSS!” in the crowds of MLKs speeches.

Resonance is why the police report for one of Hitler’s speeches was reported to have been interrupted 56 times with massive applause.

When you reach peak resonance, you will be loved, you will create change and you will be remembered.

How do we achieve peak resonance with the masses?

Differentiation

That status quo is doing what everyone is doing.

There’s nothing wrong with the status quo. 110 million people listen to Taylor Swift every month on Spotify. Telling someone you like Taylor Swift isn’t unique and will not differentiate you. In fact, hating Taylor Swift ain’t that unique either.

Differentiation is doing what nobody is doing.

However, there’s a problem with that. If you’re too different, you’ll be on a lonely island by yourself.

There’s a sweet spot to differentiation that can lead you to resonating deeply with the masses.

The interesting thing about being remembered for being different is that it’s not all that different.

You are really just saying what others have been thinking in your own unique way. It’s what they’ve been too afraid to say because it goes against the status quo and that’s not an inherently safe place to be, but it’s what people end up wanting.

Eventually, we all want change and change is different.

That’s where boldness comes in.

Boldness

Being bold requires 3 things.

1. Owning your beliefs

2. Timing

3. Effective Communication

1. Own Your Beliefs

What would high school have actually been like if I told Rachel I loved her?

What if I stopped wearing button down shirts because I hated them (did I mention I grew up in Connecticut?)? What if I told everyone I hated feeling like I had to dress like everyone else, but I did because I didn’t want to get picked on like Charlie who was obsessed with Disney and always wore Mickey Mouse shirts? What if I told everyone I admired that loser Charlie for owning what he loves?

What if I told everyone I just want to try out for the basketball team because I loooove playing sports but I’m afraid of not making the team because I’m not good at basketball and if I don’t make the team what will that mean about everyones perception of me. That I suck and I’m a loser. No thanks. Instead I’ll just join the track team to “stay in shape for baseball.”

I was in so much internal pain in high school because it was so hard to just be myself. It was seemingly impossible to own my beliefs. I bet a lot of you spent a lot of your energy thinking about fitting in and who you can and can’t kiss because kissing that person would be social suicide. In high school you can’t just like what you want to like without repercussions.

This is not a unique high school experience either. It’s why movies like The Breakfast Club and Mean Girls are beloved. They are an expression of a very common high school experience which, in the end, lead to an acceptance of everyone around us. Peace, love and safety—it’s what we all want and believe we can’t have it until the status quo is changed.

Your desires are not unique, but your beliefs to get us there are.

Taking a stand for change based on what you believe is bold.

When we think of the most powerful leaders of our time we think of those who stood up for what they believed in (for better or worse).

• Abe Lincoln stood for abolishing slavery

• Martin Luther King Jr. stood for the equal rights of black people

• Gandhi stood for the independence of India through peace and love

• Hitler stood for supremacy of the Aryan race (it may be more true that all he cared about was his own supremacy and would have used any scapegoat to take power. That’s probably why he was such a piece of shit)

Belief is the most important aspect of all this. You have to truly believe what you’re saying or nobody will believe you. When I finally had the courage to tell Rachel I loved her. I was too afraid to show her I believed it. Without conviction in your beliefs, your words fall flat. Do not pass go until you belief in what you’re saying.

2. Timing

Millions of American wanted equal rights for all for a long time. They wanted to feel safe in their own country. Very common, however, Martin Luther King Jr became (one of) the early men who would come out and preach for change once and for all.

I just learned that Rosa Parks didn’t randomly refuse to get up from her seat that day on bus because she’d simply had enough of the racism. It was a planned boycott by the NAACP in 1955 to give MLK the platform to begin preaching for change. It wasn’t for another 8 years until he gave his famous “I Have a Dream” speech in 1963.

Rosa Parks was not the first black person who refused to give up her seat on a bus. Women like Claudette Colvin did it 9 months earlier. But Rosa Parks was still one of the first giving her the name, “Mother of the Civil Rights” and she went on to do incredible things beyond that day on the bus.

Timing ain’t easy.
Be Early.
Be Consistent.

Germans were dying for someone to blame for, not just losing World War I, but for the starvation and poverty it left the entire country in. There must be a reason we all feel like we’ve been left to die, the citizens of Germany thought. Hitler saw an opportunity and became the man who gave them a reason, but it wasn’t all in one go.

The Nazi party was founded in 1920, 19 years before they invaded Poland and started World War II. When the party was founded Hitler blamed a weak government for the signing of the Treaty of Versailles to end WWI which put the country in a state of deeper depression. He paired that with the already popular antisemitism narrative that the Jews “stabbed Germany in the back.” as a further scapegoat for Germany’s weakness which became a perfect pair for a power move.

In 1923 Hitler made an attempt to take over Bavaria but it failed and he was later arrested. The Nazi party began to lose support with Hitler and jail and the country beginning to regain it’s strength. Hitler was patient. In jail he wrote Mein Kampf and waited for another government collapse and a platform to speak on, which he got 6 years later when the great depression hit America and hit Germany just as hard.

Timing ain’t easy.
Be early.
Be consistent.

If you want to be remembered, you must be bold enough to be early and consistent in your belief for change.

Not only was I too late to tell Rachel I loved her, but the floor of the bathroom was probably also bad timing. Timing is not something we always have control over, which is why it’s better to be too early than too late.

If you’re too early, you may be too different. Sometimes the world isn’t ready for your ideas. There are lots of smart people from history who go unknown because they were too early, like Claudette Colvin, which is why it’s important to be consistent.

If you’re too early, just keep going.

But if you’re too late then you’re too late. You’re the status quo.

3. Effectively communicate your beliefs

Many men stood up and spoke for civil rights. But damn, MLK did it the best and that’s why we remember him. Shouting nonsense won’t get you far.

You must speak your belief for change effectively.

Give yourself a gift and listen to MLK’s “I Have a Dream” speech. There’s a 4 minute version on Spotify. It truly is masterful.

The pacing. The pausing. Ughhh, it’s so good.

The alliteration of “content of their character” is poetry. It’s beautiful.

And the repetition! It’s sticky. MLK knew that. It’s not a mistake to repeat, “I have a dream” so many times.

He uses imagery of the American landscapes which allow you to place yourself in your home state and visualize the beauty of what peace, safety, freedom and equality could look like in your home.

Not only are the geographical landscapes a beautiful metaphor, but his constant repetition of the hills and mountains create a motif which allow him to wrap up his point with perfection, “I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.”

Finally, above all, you can hear the quiver in his voice because this means everything to him. He lets you feel his passion as he speaks. He invites you into his soul. (you don’t need to speak German to hear Hitler’s passion either)

This is storytelling at it’s finest.

It’s a bold move to speak with such conviction (compared to telling someone you love them drunk on a bathroom floor moments before heading back off to college).

When you speak effectively like this people listen. People feel you. People nod a long and shout “YES!” and “mmhmmm!” with each point you make.

That is resonance.

When you master this you are hard to ignore. You are remembered.

Pushing the boundaries of safety

Of course, knowing all this is pointless if you don’t take action. So what stops us? A perception that what’s on the other side of differentiation and boldness isn’t safe. We don’t trust that we will resonate. If we don’t resonate, we will be alone, unsafe, not loved.

A strategy for finding safety in the unknown

So many of us have so many beautiful things to say, but we simply cannot get ourselves to take the bold action that is required of us. You will never change the world and you’ll never be remembered without taking aligned action.

This is the scariest part. I know it was for me. It took me so long to tell Rachel how I felt because I didn’t feel safe on the other side of taking that action. As painful as it was to keep my love a secret, I knew that pain. The known, no matter how painful, is always safer than the unknown.

I won’t be remembered for telling Rachel I loved her. But when I finally did, I finally had freedom to own more of what I wanted and become more of who I truly wanted to be. By allowing myself to own what I love and take a stand for my beliefs, it began to pave the way for more expansion.

You may not even be at a point where you will be remembered. Not yet. Right now it’s about building trust in yourself. Trust that you can take a stand for your beliefs and trust that you can create safety for yourself on the other side.

Start small with smaller risks. Instead of waiting to see if everyone is wearing jeans tonight wear the fucking jeans. Instead of asking Google to answer all your questions, trust yourself to come up with the answers and then begin sharing those answers (social media is THE BEST testing ground for this).

This process, over and over is what allows you to feel safe enough to be bolder and bolder. As you become more bold, you become more differentiated. As you become a person who feels safe being bold and different, you become more desirable. You begin to resonate.

Wouldn’t you know it… the summer after Junior year of college, Rachel and I finally hooked up. There are tangible rewards when you own your truth on a consistent basis. Don’t wait for rock bottom to take massive leaps, by then it’s probably too late (re: timing). This work requires you to continue to push your limits of safety and settle back into them. Push them again, then settle back in. Over and over.

Are you willing to die for your beliefs?

In order to be widely remembered you must first be widely known. We can call it “fame.” If you don’t perceive fame as something that is safe, you will find that you (consciously or unconsciously) self sabotage your pursuit of fame. The unknown is unsafe. So let’s go to the least safest place to be. Death.

Would you be willing to die for your beliefs?

Now that’s a bold statement.

I am not 100% convinced your answer needs to be yes, but it’s be a fun thought experiment to play with. I only ended up telling Rachel I love her because I thought I’d rather die than go back to college in January without telling her. It would be too painful to allow that to continue to live inside me. I had to tell her.

Would you be willing to die to put your work out into the world?

Would you be willing to die to create the change you wish to see in the world?

Abe Lincoln and MLK had been sent many death threats before they were assassinated. The death threats didn’t stop them from standing for their beliefs. This is true for most, if not all, of the great leaders we remember.

What about the artist like Picasso and The Beatles. Would they rather die than not make their art?

What about you?

In your pursuit to be remembered you will challenge people’s beliefs and identity. You are challenging their core desire to feel safe. And people will do anything to feel safe. The least of which is writing a mean comment on an Instagram post.

This is my favorite part of therapy: To learn how to feel safe everywhere always because being safe is being the person who is in love with life even in the midst of the complete unknown. The faster you can feel safe in any moment, the faster you can take action and the faster all of this works.

What do you think? Is it required for you to be willing to die what you believe in in order to be remembered?

In Summary

In order to be remembered and loved you must resonate by being different and bold.

1. Own your beliefs

2. Be early and be consistent in your pursuit of change

3. Learn to communicate what you believe effectively

4. Trust yourself to find safety in the unknown

Bonus Points to the community you will build who will help you create change

Next week I will talk about uncovering and leaning into your differentiation so you can have more confidence to be bold.

I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I did writing it.

With love,

Matt